Your Fantasy: Accentuating The Positive

Lately I’ve encountered several experiences that could have made me feel sad or down. Well, they did at first but I quickly got it together after a friend reminded me of the exception question.

As I journey through the philosophies of therapy, I’m studying narrative therapy which teaches us how to identify the “story” that people create about their lives. Whatever we want to believe about our lives, we will mentally search through our recollection and find evidence to support it.

For example: NO ONE LOVES ME.

Remember that time in 3rd grade when I was chosen last for the dodge ball game?

There was a time when Henry broke up with me to be with Suzy and I was so embarrassed.

Whenever I walk into a room no one notices and no one speaks to me.

I have been single for 10 years and I can’t even get a date.

Sound familiar?

Sure, when you look at the evidence cited you would have to include that no one loves you but are those really the ONLY experiences that you have had or are you choosing to highlight those experiences?

Has there ever been a time when you’ve experienced evidence that someone, somewhere, loved you?

Go ahead and think about it for a minute.

Have you ever received an award in school for effort or appreciation for your contribution to a project? That was your teachers way of showing she loves you.

Have you ever received a note from an admirer, even though you didn’t admire them back? That was love coming your way. You simply chose not to accept it.

Take the time to do a mental recount of the times when your current negative situation was non existent in your life.

I hate my job!
Were there ever moments of laughter in your workplace, even at the expense of other co workers?

You have to find the exception to the story you have created for yourself in order to accentuate the positive. Shifting your focus from what’s going wrong to what’s going right will help you to identify and maintain more of what’s going right. Find evidence that supports your most wonderful, positive story and string that evidence together to create your new story.

Try This...

The next time your computer acts up and you can’t log in and you’re thinking, “This computer sucks!” Walk away from your computer and sit down quietly…reminisce about all the fun you and your computer has had together. Give yourself a break as you laugh about all the fun you’ve had on twitter and all the friends you’ve reconnected with on facebook.

The next time you are angry with your significant other and you want to throw in the towel, stop and ask yourself, “Was there ever a time when I didn’t feel like this?” Focus on those good memories and decide if one argument or miscommunication is really worth erasing all of the good memories and potential memories.

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Your Fantasy: Figuring Out If He Only Wants Sex

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Your Fantasy: Dealing With Rejection

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Your Fantasy: Taking The First Step Toward Your Success

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Your Fantasy: Dealing With Baby Mama Drama

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Your Fantasy: ReWriting Your Story

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Your Fantasy: Discovering Your Truths

There are certain types of individuals who might argue that certain things are TRUE and can not be denied. I like to call these type of people “happily socialized” and I am not speaking to them in this article.

For the rest of us with an open mind, TRUTH is subjective. The TRUTHS we hold fast to in our lives are mere illusions or choices that we have happily accepted.

What is the TRUTH anyway?

Is it TRUE that the sky is blue?

Is it TRUE that you will never amount to anything?

Is it TRUE that aliens do not exist?

Is it TRUE that you will not find love until you achieve a certain goal?


Let’s tackle the first one so that you will understand where I am going with this. The sky is blue because as a society we gave a name to that color. If whoever invented this language had called it something else, we would be calling it a different name too.

See…most of our TRUTHS are ideas that were planted in our heads by someone else. What makes it TRUE is our belief in that idea. What we believe, we experience.

Are you holding on to a certain TRUTH that causes you to fear disappointed, angry or fearful? If so, you must recognize that the TRUTH which is causing you so much discomfort is a TRUTH that you chose and you have permission to choose differently.

Do your religious beliefs cause you to feel weighted down by life?

Did someone tell you that you had to lose weight before you can find love?

Are you certain that you will never be able to fit comfortably into any social situation?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions, you have chosen these beliefs and you are free to change them at any time.
Change what is TRUE for your life by choosing beliefs that serve you well and promote a healthy, abundant lifestyle.

Once you change your beliefs and your TRUTHS, your life will be a reflection of those TRUTHS. Your behavior will change due to your shift in expectations and your response to your environment will shift too.

Imagine if you got rid of the TRUTH that you could never be a millionaire. If you changed your TRUTH to “I can be a millionaire and I have the skills to make it happen,” you will instantly feel supercharged and approach your goals more confidently. Your belief in this new truth will then attract the tools and skills necessary to make it happen.

Be mindful of the TRUTHS you accept for your life. Allow no one to define your TRUTHS for you, you are the captain of your ship. If a certain TRUTH does not line up with who you are or who you want to be- REJECT IT.

It’s your life.

You make the rules.

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Your Fantasy: Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction

You’ve been locked in your room for hours tonight as you feed your private fantasies by logging on to your favorite porn site. There could be a significant other in your life or you may be single and use these enticing sites as a way to relieve your sexual frustration or live out your fantasy sex life.

Either way, you’ve come to a crossroad in your life; you’re beginning to wonder if you are addicted to internet porn. You know your Mom would never approve and you’re certain that if anyone found out your dirty little secret you’d be viewed as a pervert and uncivilized.

You dare not talk to anyone about your leisure activity for fear of being ostracized and criticized. This fear causes you to withdraw, making up lame excuses for not wanting to hang out with friends and family or attend company functions. At times you may even feel as they everyone you know can guess what you’ve been up to and that causes you to be shameful. But still…you point and click.

What is an internet porn addiction anyway?

In my belief system I define it as a magnetism to pornographic pictures which fuels your arousal. The term “addict” is a derogatory word that was created to label people who obsessively indulge in any activity.

But, are you really addicted?

First, I’ll ask you a few questions in order to gauge whether or not you are a porn addict.

1) Do you find that your interest in porn takes precedence over your interest and ability to engage in “real” sex with another person?
2) Has your interest in porn caused you to neglect the daily duties of life like “healthy” social interaction and routine duties on your job?
3) Do you feel shame immediately after indulging in your primary past time of masturbation induced by the clockwork arousal incited by these rated R websites?

After you can honestly answer these questions, I have one more question that will help you with your perceived problem.

Who told you that something was wrong with watching porn on the internet?

Why do you believe that you have to safeguard your interest so securely? There are millions of people around the world who enjoy looking at naked pictures and sexually themed videos as much as you do. If there weren’t there would not be so many porn sites on the internets.

So what makes it so WRONG when you do it? Is it because someone told you that becoming aroused by watching someone engage in a natural expression of intimacy was unbecoming?

Why did you believe them?

What if I told you that there was nothing wrong with you? Would you believe me? No? Well, I can certainly understand that. It is much easier to believe that we are dirty, sinful creatures with unnatural urges than it is to believe that we are powerful beyond measure and we have the ability to create greatness in our lives.

You know that because you smile politely when complimented yet mull over criticisms for weeks even when the giver of these criticisms is someone you do not respect. You seem to WANT to believe you are a bad person and your expressed desire blankets all of your experiences.

How can you “get over” your porn addiction?

You must first accept that you like what you like. You like seeing people have sex. Say it aloud.

I like watching people have sex.

Did you whisper it or did you say it strong and proud? Why did you whisper? Are you afraid someone is going to hear you and judge you?

Who is your judge? Is it your mother? Is it your neighbor down the street? Is it your boss or your child or your mate?

Why do you allow their opinion of you to matter more than your own? Why do you give them that power? You like porn. It makes you feel great when you watch it and nothing beats the orgasm contributed by this euphoria.

If you really want to get over your porn addiction, you must first understand that the “addiction” is not to the porn itself but the feeling that you get when you are doing something you are not supposed to do. If you took the taboo off of porn, you would not be so easily aroused by it. We are often magnetized by the forbidden.

Do you feel shameful when you eat a banana?

Why not?

Because it’s “okay” to eat bananas. No one is going to say anything to you if they find you enjoying this succulent fruit.

Listen to me- It’s okay to watch porn.

It’s a great way to live out your sexual fantasies without actually having to go through the hassle of arranging the scenarios and dealing with the emotions involved with the forbidden trysts.

There is nothing wrong with you. Whoever told you that was WRONG.

If your desire is to curb the amount of time you spend viewing porn then you can try this exercise:

Take out a calendar and mark every odd numbered day with a big red circle. On these days you can watch as much porn as you would like free from the guilt associated with it. On days that are not circled you should find something else to do. Work on a hobby or hang out with a friend instead. This works because your mind will be so caught up on “Is it a RED day today?” that you will begin to laugh at the fact that you even HAVE to ration out your interest in porn. This releases the shamefulness and fear of it.

What about your mate? What if he or she finds out that you like to watch porn?

Well…go ahead and tell them and see what happens. Don’t be scared. You might be shocked to find that your partner enjoys porn as much as you do. Or you may introduce that person to a new aphrodisiac that will take your bedroom escapades to a new level.

If your partner does not accept you fully, then they have not embraced loving you fully. You don’t have a problem, all you have is an interest that society deems unacceptable yet continues to thrive in our society everyday.

There is someone who exists who is into what you are into. They like what you like. They will want you for you. And if you don’t desire a relationship then that is fine too. No one is forcing you to be a part of a couple. If you do decide to be in a relationship be sure that the person can love and accept ALL of you, even those interests and activities that others find improper.

A love like this…is sure to last a lifetime and even if it doesn’t at least you had a lovely experience.

Be YOU. Love how you love.

Anything outside of that...is a sin.

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Your Fantasy: Surviving An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Please visit You Are Not Crazy.

This website is dedicated to women who deal with emotionally abusive men.

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Your Fantasy: Working Through Your Fear of Death

A friend of mine contacted me yesterday to tell me that one of his childhood friends had died from stress. He was very upset about the death of his friend and there was nothing I could say to help him to feel better so I just allowed him to vent.

As I am learning more in my studies on my journey to becoming a counselor, the issue of counseling people through the deaths of their loved ones has come up repeatedly. We were told to allow the person to grieve for as long as they wish without any expressed expectation of “getting over it”. We were also told that the only thing we could really ask is, “Would you like a hug?”

People are going to grieve over the loss of their loved ones because of the perceived loss of connection to that person. They may believe that they will never see or get to experience the joyful connection with that person again which causes them to be depressed or anxious about their own mortality.

Recently I revisited a movie that was released 10 years ago in 1998. That movie, What Dreams May Come, starring Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding, Jr. helped to change my perspective on death and release all fear of it. While some may consider the movie’s premise (which affirms the idea of an afterlife) to be merely fantasy, I would like for you to consider the reasons why you chose to believe the things you choose to believe.

• Do you believe in God because someone told you to believe in God?
• Do you believe that the earth is round because you saw a picture?
• Are you able to drive in traffic everyday because you believe and trust that the other drivers will stay in their lanes, which are merely imaginary lines on the concrete? Why do you trust them to stay in their lanes?
• Do you believe that you will accomplish great things in your lifetime?
• Do you believe that someone will love you one day?
• Do you believe that you are a good person?

Why do you believe these things? Is it because believing these things makes life more enjoyable? If some of you choose to believe these things then there must be others who choose to believe the opposite. Why do they choose to believe negative things? Do they like to feel bad about their lives?

Whatever you believe is a personal choice. There is no wrong or right in it. Your beliefs dictate how you view the world and how you interact with others in it. How you perceive the world is an indication of the type of world you believe you deserve to live in. If you believe that people are mostly good hearted then you will probably smile at everyone you meet, expecting a smile back. If you believe that people are mostly evil then you will be guarded and stay by yourself most of the time out of fear of being hurt.

If you are going through the grieving process following the death of a loved one, it might be a good time to examine your beliefs about death. Is your idea of death the gateway to a heaven or hell or does it involve an afterlife? Whatever you choose to believe, try to choose a belief that makes you feel good. If what you have been taught about death by other people in your life causes you to feel fear, it is okay to change your belief.

Find a belief system that brings you joy like this movie did for me. Through this movie I now imagine an afterlife where everyone I love who has passed on before me is frolicking in their own personal heaven awaiting the day when my spirit will have the opportunity to reconnect with theirs. That makes me feel so happy as I imagine my uncles, aunts and grandparents cheerfully reuniting with me one day in heaven or on earth in another lifetime.

Your beliefs are your choice. Choose beliefs that make you feel good, even in the face of death and watch your quality of life flourish.

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Your Fantasy: Trusting Someone To Support You

“All the women who are independent! Throw your hands up at me!”- Independent Women by Destiny’s Child

There seems to be a celebration going on these days for women who can handle the demands of life without assistance from a man. The most celebrated artists like Webbie and brilliant producer Neyo have both released singles that celebrate the type of woman who “got her own house, she got her own car. Two jobs, work hard, she a bad broad.”

This has undoubtedly caused women to strive for independence and feel better about not needing a man’s support. For some women, this surge of appreciation for being independent is actually representative of an innate fear that we have to take care of ourselves because men are untrustworthy and selfish.

But who really wants to be independent? Would you dare to imagine a romantic relationship where a man supports you financially and emotionally to the point where without him, your life would not be the same?

“But I don’t want to depend on a man! What if he leaves me?” you might ask.

If that is your primary concern while involved in a relationship then it might be best to choose someone else. Whatever you put concentrated focus and energy into is actually an expressed desire. We tend to imagine the things we expect for our lives whether they are fears or blessings. Whatever it is that you are imagining is an indication of something that you believe you deserve.

“That’s not true! I don’t want him to leave me hanging. I don’t want him to cheat on me! I don’t want to be homeless and hungry and alone!” you might reply.
Well, if that is not something that you want for your life then it would be best to train yourself not to imagine/expect it. Focus on those things you do want from life; a loving spouse, a great job that allows you to express your talents, children who are a reflection of your brightest attributes.

Just ask the thousands of divorcee’s in this country who were relieved that they signed prenuptial agreements before they got married. During the marriage they secretly held separate bank accounts and purchased property in their mother’s name…just in case he or she acts up.

What is it about the nature of man that forces us to believe that we must be on guard in every relationship…just in case?

As famed metaphysicist and author Florence Scovel Shinn once wrote:

“If one asks for success and prepares for failure, he will get the situation he has prepared for.”

In the case of the numerous divorcee’s mentioned above, they received exactly what they prepared for.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were engaged in a relationship where we trusted our partner to support us during our weaknesses and work to meet our every desire? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to give the same type of support? If you can honestly say in your deepest heart of hearts that you would love to give selflessly and completely then there must be someone else out there who holds the same desire. Don’t disguise that desire by acting in fear and preparing yourself for the worst case scenario.

The worst case scenario is not promised to you. The best case scenario is your destiny.

Give with all that you have. Love without fear. Take the risk of expressing your love in the way that you wish would be expressed to you. Show the world what you believe you deserve by treating others in the manner that you truly believe you deserve.

In recognition of the universal principle that states “like attracts like” you will receive the very treatment that you give to others. Why not sow a seed of encouragement, support and inspiration in the same manner that you would like to see it appear in your life.

You don’t have to be independent. You don’t have to do it all alone. Prepare for your helpmate, your second half, your best friend in a way that matches your greatest fantasies. Prepare, give freely and expect nothing less.

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